Latin Comics and Other Awful Things

Last night, George Lopez made his debut on Lopez Tonight and for the first time since Carson Daily hit the air, a late night talk show host proved it possible to be less funny than Jay Leno.

The Lopez Show was a complete mess. I think I made it about halfway through his opening act before I quit the scene. Lopez bombed. The camera crew also struggled, mostly in their pursuit of audience members clapping, smiling, or even laughing. It was pretty awful. Lopez, it seems, struggles with the same problem that Carlos Mencia struggles with; hyper focus on race relations. I understand that the whole white-people-do-shit-different-than-us joke (or vice versa) has been successful, but enough already. It's been done. And really, it's a lot funnier when black comedians do it. When George Lopez walks on to a five hundred thousand dollar set that looks like a 1980's Miami discotheque, and says, "I just had an 'ah hah' moment. I thought only Caucasian people have those, but i just had one," I want to kill everyone. Like, George Lopez, you're not mexican. Socioeconomically speaking, you're much more like a white male. ha. Anyway, I'm just not interested in hearing some rich talk show host talk about privilege.

Carlos Mencia, too, man. He's bad. Just for fun, I google searched Carlos Mencia clips and the first hit was a bit making fun of white people and camping. A) I'm pretty sure someone that's funnier has done this already, and B) shut the fuck already. Carlos Mencia is like more middle American than anyone I know. The next bit I saw was something of a Socratic dialogue between him and an Afghani, concerning whose country was hotter shit. So basically, the next four minutes are all about how America is the most guns blazing, ass fucking, bomb dropping bunch of badasses there ever where. He punctuated this bit by sticking his hands down his pants, exclaiming that he would not apologize for being a man, and then stuck his fingers to his nose and inhaled deeply. Sooo, hmmm. If it wasn't so obviously sincere, it would make for a decent bit of social commentary or something. But I really think it's not that thoughtful. It was about big dicks and bombs and money, and that's fine or whatever, but like, who are you talking to? Who is you're audience, Carlos Mencia? I like camping and dislike war despite its inevitability, and people who like war or whatever, well, i'm pretty sure they like camping too. That i didn't hear anything about 'getting her done' in that bit was almost impossible to me. I watched it again just to double check. Anyway, it was embarrassing. Flamboyant and desperate and not funny. It was like watching Dane Cook with a white motorcycle jacket and a better head of hair. Lopez at least isn't quite so desperate. He's just a rich asshole. In any case, they are both bad. Dane Cook, too, is quite bad.

Anyhow, the whole Lopez Tonight thing was ridiculous. It made me feel crazy. Then, watching the Carlos Mencia thing made me feel double the crazy, and kinda mad actually. Their concern for the differences between them and whites (Lopez doesn't even have the balls to call an apple an apple (e.g. Caucasian)) is silly. The real comparison should be between themselves and the average Latin American. Like, "when you drive to the store you're all like this, etc. in a '88 Honda Civic with flip lights, and when I drive to the store i'm all like this, etc. in a Hummer. What up! I be like driving over your ass and not even spillin' my latte." I don't know. Disregard that last bit.

So i don't know. I'm too caffeinated and tired to continue. Plus it's dark and CA just got back to brooklyn. So basically, i'm looking to eat a cheeseburger, put in my retainer, and get laid. Booyah. I do, however, want to talk about Australians at some point and how they will never be cool. It's a recent and interesting discovery for me. I think everyone could benefit from it.

Until then, crime-fighters. This is TW, signing out.

- TW